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  • John Newstead

Robin's dog blog - part 13

Updated: Apr 1, 2020

Diary of a Lhasa Apso – Part 12

Have you ever wondered how far the contents of a used tea bag can be spread. Across our entire dining room, that’s how far. I fished one out of the bin this morning and had a great time shaking it around before being caught in the act. Mum thinks she’s cleared up all the tea leaves but she’s not even close yet. She’ll be finding bits of tea for ages.

Autumn has arrived and with it lots of brown leaves. It struck me that some of these leaves were extremely poo coloured, which gave me a super idea. I deposited a leaf coloured poo right next to an actual leaf on the brick weave patio, perfectly placed so as to cunningly disguise its true stinking nature, and in the certain anticipation that Dad would stand in it. The plan backfired ever so slightly when Mum trod right in it, but best of all, she didn’t notice what she’d done. I thought the brown streaks looked great on the white painted dining room floorboards.

It’s been a sad day. Mrs Bunny suffered several serious injuries as a result of some particularly energetic love making. Despite the loss of my nuts a few months back, I still like the occasional frenzied thrusting session with Mrs Bunny, but the poor old rabbit isn’t quite as well stitched together as she was in her younger days. Yesterday one of Mrs Bunny’s legs came off, but mum stitched it back on. The wrong way round! But today both her back legs fell off and by the time Mum noticed I’d thrusted most of her stuffing out across much of the lounge carpet. Tragically Mrs Bunny could not be saved and has gone to Rabbit heaven, or black wheelie bin as it is also known. When I was just a small puppy cuddly Mr Fox was my first lover. I wonder whether he’s in the mood for some Robin rogering!

There are dogs that like to present their owners, and anyone else that’s remotely up for playing fetch, with toys, balls etc. They’ll even nudge a ball in their direction as a bit of encouragement. I’m not that kind of dog. Then there’s the dog that has an equal love for playing fetch, turns up with a ball for their owner to see but won’t part with it, running off every time the chosen ‘fetch’ player tries to get their hands on it. That’s me that is.

WARNING: This video includes images of Dad in his PJs.

Training my breed of dog can be difficult because we are apparently stubborn. Yep, that's about right. I understand more than people think. It's just that I can't see the point in sitting, staying, laying down, coming when called and high fiving unless there's some sort of edible treat involved, in which case I can do all that sort of stuff no probs! For the last few weeks I've been extremely confused while Dad's been unsuccessfully training me to roll over on command, but this evening I finally understood why he's been rolling me over while saying 'roll over.' doh! So I now have a new trick, but only on carpet. I draw the line at rolling over open floorboards.

I still love Mr Fox, and he’s great for a quick thrust or two but far too small these days for a proper full-on session on the lounge carpet. So all in all, I’ve been a bit subdued over the past few days. Several times I’ve emptied the entire contents of my toy box onto the entrance hall floor searching in vain for Mrs Bunny, but she’s gone and I know deep in my heart I’ll never see her again.

Dad noticed my deep sadness before popping to Sainsburys and when he returned he’d brought home a new toy for me; a plump cuddly bird with a cute bill. Dad said his name was F*cktheduck and from first glance he looked smokin’ hot.

A cold and wintery day greeted me as I stepped outside this morning. A leaf caught my attention right next to the back door, so I curled one out next to it before swiftly retiring to my basket for a few extra minutes of snoozing where I forgot all about it. Imagine my joy when Mum almost skidded over with my poo wrapped around the heel of her slipper. I will have to wait for some more leaves to appear before placing another poo-mine because Mum swept them all up.

Some interesting things have appeared in the house today. Sparkly stuff, dangly lights, ornamental polar bears, a large red breasted bird who is not allowed to be called Robin because that’s my name, hanging baubles, a fat bearded man in a red suit and best of all, a tree covered in most of the above. I’m not sure what to make of it all, but after having an extensive growl at one of the polar bears and running off with a red shiny bauble I think there’s plenty of sport to be had.

The Christmas robin who is not allowed to be called Robin because that’s my name is starting to annoy me with his wide-eyed stare. It’s almost as if he’s goading me into a fight, sitting smugly just out of my reach. I’ll deal with him soon – there’s only room for one Robin around here.

Got it on with F*cktheduck. Yeah!

Dad’s been busy in the shed this morning. He’s been making a toy box for Alfie the small person and I’ve been helping. As you know I do love a stick and Dad found me a reasonably nice one to chew. But I couldn’t help noticing that he was making some much more attractive looking sticks with his saw, and one particularly pristine stick caught my eye. This beautifully cut and sanded stick looked like it had been meticulously shaped to fit somewhere very important, so I ran away with it and turned it into something a bit more shabby chic. Dad cut a new meticulously shaped stick.

The stick incident is really just the tip of the iceberg as far as my kleptomania issues are concerned. In fact I’m becoming increasingly known as the canine magpie. So far today I’ve managed to steal a bauble at Nanny & Grandad's house, a Christmas card, a sock, a Sainsbury’s receipt, a silver foil mince pie case but sadly no mince pie, and a towel at the precise moment that Dad was washing his hair. Dad says I’m a Robin b*stard.

Today is my birthday and I’m one whole year old. I got to see what my sister and two brothers look like after photos of them all were posted on Facebook. Very much like me as it happens, and one of my brothers even had the same Star Wars jumper.

For my birthday I received two presents. In the morning Nanny gave me a penguin with very long arms and legs – great for fetch and tug of war games. But in the evening something very interesting was placed on the carpet. A wrapped present for me, and Dad said I could unwrap it. I’ve never unwrapped anything before. Well, not officially with full consent to do so. So I proceeded very carefully, excited at what was contained inside. And then something oddly familiar popped out from the wrapping. A leaf shaped piece of brown material, perhaps even a bit like an ear. And then a little more of my present was revealed. An arm, a nose and then I saw her. It was Mrs Bunny, back from a long period of convalescence and looking fantastic. I chased round in circles excitedly trying to get the rest of her out of the wrapping paper, and Dad helped me a bit at the end. I was so pleased to see her, and we decided to make up for lost time straight away. Dad turned off the lights and left us to it, just me and Mrs Bunny, the best present I could have ever hoped for, under the lights of the Christmas tree.

Thanks for reading my dog blog and I hope you have a lovely Christmas with lots of cuddly toys and dog treats. Or other stuff if you like, and I'll be pleased to take the dog treats off your hands, but not the cuddly toys. Wouldn't want to upset Mrs Bunny now that I've got her back.

Robin xxx

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